Harmony At Home: Avoiding Conflict in Retirement
Harmony At Home: Avoiding Conflict in Retirement
By Carolyn Campbell
Jane was stunned when her husband, Ron, announced, “I’m retiring next year.” She’d always envisioned his retirement happening sometime in the far-distant future. Now she realized her life was about to change, and she wondered how she would cope. After 30 years of working in her home business, she had a comfortable routine. She was used to her daily schedule of running errands in the morning, working in her home business, and then relaxing with a book for an hour or two before preparing dinner for Ron, who arrived home at 5:30 p.m. After a weekend that often included shopping, visiting grandchildren, and church activities, Jane viewed Monday as her “recovery day.” The house was quiet, and she could rest and prepare for the week ahead. “Now,” she thought, “there will never be another quiet Monday. What will I do without it?”
Jane is not alone. Hundreds of thousands of people retire each year. For many couples, retirement is a long-awaited and exciting event, resulting in more time for travel, hobbies, and family visits. Sometimes, however, retirement may bring unexpected change to a marriage and life in general. Despite a common belief that life is easier after retirement, research shows that retirement can sometimes be challenging and frustrating. Many couples who suddenly have an additional 40 or more hours together each week find their lives changed dramatically.
Retirement isn't a one-size-fits-all endeavor. It means different things to different people, but most find that the schedule and predictability that have worked so well in the past are thrown into turmoil. It’s important to plan the financial aspects of retirement with great care, but also to consider the intangible changes that retirement brings. The following suggestions may promote a smoother adjustment to a spouse’s retirement.
1. Communicate openly in advance of the retirement.
Couples should discuss their expectations for retirement, both from a personal perspective (personal goals, interests, dreams) and from a couple perspective (joint activities, mutual goals, issues of sexual and emotional intimacy). By talking openly about retirement expectations, couples are likely to decrease future conflict.
2. Set boundaries.
Setting boundaries in retirement helps to protect personal time and couple time and can also provide a sense of structure and control. A critical issue in retirement for many couples is establishing a balance between "separateness" (personal privacy, pursuing individual hobbies, spending time with friends) and "togetherness" (participating in joint activities, maintaining intimacy, and socializing as a couple). In addition, it is critical that couples agree on how much time they want to spend with family and friends, engaged in community activities, and responding to others’ needs, such as caregiving tasks.
3. Prepare for the loss of the work identity.
Preparing for the loss of the work role may be necessary for spouses who are considerably invested in their professional careers. The loss of a work identity can lead to feelings of depression, usually stemming from loss of purpose previously obtained from that role. These emotions frequently impact the quality of the marital relationship. Couples who recognize the significance of this loss wisely plan to replace this source of fulfillment with alternative roles, such as church-related service, part-time work, or volunteering in the community. They choose new activities that will preserve the best aspects of their working days.
For example, Ron realized he missed the thrill of succeeding in his projects at work. He soon went to work two days a week as a consultant with a firm similar to the one where he previously worked full-time. He also accepted positions on some boards of directors. Couples can plan activities together that offer fulfillment and pursue individual hobbies. Retirees aren’t generally used to free time and may need a spouse’s suggestions.
4. Designate household tasks.
Deciding on who does what household chores in retirement is more important than many couples realize. Research shows a common source of conflict for retired couples surrounds the division of labor in the home. Couples who have previously practiced a traditional division of household chores (wife cleaning and cooking; husband doing household maintenance and yard duties) may either choose to continue this pattern or decide that a different approach is more appropriate for retirement. Couples need to discuss and mutually agree on how they will manage household responsibilities rather than assume that old patterns will continue or be changed.
5. Be married for better or worse, but maybe not for lunch.
In the case where only the husband or the wife has worked outside the home, there may be some additional challenges to consider. For example, if the husband works and the wife is at home and typically eats lunch out with friends several times a week, the husband might not understand when the wife isn't there to prepare a noon meal. (Many men expect that once they retire.) Similarly if the wife works and the husband has been at home and typically goes off and plays golf, the wife, now that she is home, may resent being left alone. These are typically not major issues but are things to consider prior to retirement, rather than waiting for resentment to build before discussing them.
Accept the idea that you each need your own space. You do not need to be together every minute of every day. “We were each able to do our own things. Then, if and when we got together, it would be great,” says Jane. Jane and Ron decided that Jane would not be expected to prepare three meals a day. “I hadn’t done that for most of my married life, and I was not about to start now,” she recalls. When she did cook, Ron helped clean up. He also volunteered to help with grocery shopping.
6. Agree to maintain independence.
Neither spouse should have to account for every action every hour, as if they were reporting to a department manager. Ron doesn’t ask, “Where have you been?” when Jane returns from a lengthy lunch with a friend. Nor does he ask, “Who was that?” every time Jane talks on the phone.
7. Aim for kindness and a new courtship.
When you are together many more hours than before, be kind. Remember to think of the other person's needs and moods (and frustrations). Reach out to each other. This can be a great time to go through a whole new courtship; those who make kindness (and romance) a focus of the relationship are likely to do better than those who don’t.
Before the official retirement, make plans to do some fun things together, even if it's just a long drive at sunset or dinner alone together at a special restaurant. Start thinking of each other as friends and romantic entities again, instead of just working parents with responsibilities. Try to treat each other as new acquaintances at times, with the respect and kindness you would extend to someone new you want to impress. Look anew at your partner and give them all the kindness (and restraint with the caustic wisecrack or putdown) you would ask for yourself.
8. Adjust gradually.
As months passed, Jane began to relax and enjoy having Ron at home. “I was glad for him. He was tied to a work schedule for more than 30 years. Now he doesn't have to get up every morning and head out to work. He can reap the rewards of a life spent working and providing for his family.” She learned to make light of the annoyances and distractions that she used to escape from in her “Monday day off.” She gradually became comfortable with Ron being there.
Retirement can be a bumpy road at first, but after a year or so, a routine will develop. And surprise, surprise, wives—you are likely to enjoy having your retired husband around! All adjustments to life changes take time, but with love, patience, humor, and determination, you and your spouse can enjoy retirement years. In fact, this can be the best time of your lives!