Passing It On Before You Pass On: Dispersing Your Personal Property While You Are Still Here

An elderly widow invited her four daughters to the home where they grew up for a special meeting. Since the mother would be moving to an assisted living center soon and would be taking relatively few things with her, she wanted to equitably divide household goods, art, jewelry, and personal effects among her girls. As she took them through each room in the house, she asked each daughter to choose pieces that she would like. This process took quite a long time because the five of them shared memories, funny stories, and feelings about their life together as they moved from room to room and handled various items.

The mother felt satisfied that her “things” had been fairly dispersed and, most of all, that it was a peaceful process. Moreover, it would have been too much for her to decide what each girl would like to receive.

Time to “Reel Out”

After spending most of one’s lifetime accumulating property, personal items, and money, there comes a point of change when instead of reeling in, it’s time to reel out. Illness, inability to take care of one’s current home and yard, a move, downsizing to a smaller abode, or loss of a spouse could all be reasons to contemplate where many of your personal possessions should land. Rather than burden your children and family with the entire task after your demise, you could discuss this with them and make plans now to reduce the amount of your personal goods.

Legally, personal or non-titled property includes “items that do not have a registered title and the owner is not identified with a written document.”[1] Non-titled property excludes stocks, bonds, vehicles, and real estate, but includes “photos, pictures, personal care items, antiques, gifts, toys, musical instruments, anything that has emotional and/or economic value.”[2]

Downsizing Can Be a Good Opportunity

A couple who downsized to a much smaller home than the one where they raised their nine children found this a good time to pass on some of their belongings. They had acquired a number of original paintings, so to make the transfers fair, they had the paintings appraised. One child might get two paintings while another would get one higher-valued painting.

Another couple downsized to a home half the size of the one where they had resided for years. They spent months sorting things into categories: sell, give away, throw away, and take with. They put smaller “give away” things in boxes and posted photos and information about larger items on the Facebook family corner. The couple held a “give away” gathering so that family members could view and choose items. If more than one person requested something, the parents let their children decide who wanted or needed it most. Because this family enjoys good relationships, the children worked this out peacefully among themselves.

A method employed by one couple was to set out about 30 numbered items to give away. Each person was given a small card upon which to write their top five choices. All the cards were put in a hat and one card was drawn out. That person got his first choice but could not put his card back into the hat until everyone had received something. The round of drawing cards continued. If a person’s first choice had been taken, then he got his second choice, and so on. The process continued as long as anyone wanted to receive items. What was left was given to charity.

Any couple giving away their goods should be the ones to determine distribution, but families can brainstorm and come up with what they feel is an equitable and agreeable  method. One family decided to distribute an equal amount of Monopoly money for bidding or paying for items. Another assigned a value to items and gave everyone play money to spend as they desired; some children spent all their “cash” on one higher-valued thing while other siblings picked out several less “pricey’ things.

Since many families are spread apart by distance, holding such giveaways may need to be accomplished by Facetime, Skype, email, or phone conversation. Unless an item has an emotional attachment or is something the receiver really wants, shipping costs might not be worth sending it (and who pays: the giver or the receiver?). A visit home might already be in the planning or will be planned by a son or daughter to transport this “inheritance.”

Keeping Peace

What is most important in how you gift your property is the feeling of peace among children rather than dollar value. Passing on non-titled property can be a complex and emotional issue. What might seem fair to one person may be deemed unfair by another family member. Some items will have great sentimental value to one child but little to another. Other items may be highly desired by several children. Think carefully how you are going to resolve these issues before you start handing off things. If an unexpected issue arises, hold off making an immediate decision. If, for example, three children want certain photograph albums, having them made into digital photo books would be a satisfactory solution.

One woman had paid for her older daughter’s undergraduate and graduate tuition, mission expenses, and a big wedding. Her younger daughter had married young in a simple at-home wedding ceremony and didn’t go to college or on a mission. This woman moved to a condominium and bought all new furniture. In the mother’s mind, giving the younger daughter all of her nice-but-used furniture and household goods would make things fair. That pleased the younger daughter. Unfortunately, the older daughter, forgetting about all her earlier benefits, made a real fuss about the situation, and everyone suffered. Perhaps, the woman should have reminded the older daughter that she had already received much and that it was, after all, her choice as to what she gave away. She also could have let that daughter select an item or two so that she had tangible reminders of her mother’s generosity.

Plans for Future Disbursements

When you begin to give away items, you might also make a plan for future disbursements, Certainly, you will hang onto essentials and favorite items. A help to your family for later would be to have your children request certain items and keep a record of their requests. One woman was not ready to give up her piano (which had belonged to her mother) when she moved to a smaller home. However, the piano will eventually go to one of her daughters per her request and agreement with her siblings.

When You Can’t Give It Away

What many seniors have found, however, is that their children and grandchildren really don’t want to receive a lot of stuff. Depending on their own situations, ages, income, home, and children, they may have needs, tastes, and lifestyles that are different from their parents or grandparents. They may simply not need more furnishings, may not use or want china and crystal, and may not feel any attachment to the souvenirs you have brought from Switzerland or Singapore. Don’t take it personally nor make your offers emotional ones; their saying “no” is as appropriate as your gifting is.

Donate unwanted goods to a charitable organization or hold a garage sale. One couple sold their leftovers in an “estate” sale. Call it what you want, but somebody will show up and buy. Donate the proceeds to a worthy cause or use them to do something fun with your family.

An Estate Plan for Titled Property and Money Is Vital

This article has focused on giving away personal, non-titled property that has more sentimental value than monetary value to family members. Dispersing real estate, stock, and money is another issue. Consider making an estate plan through a competent attorney. He or she will help you plan how to best give your titled assets to your family, not only after your demise, but also while you are still here. The goal with all your giving is to maintain family harmony and to give you peace of mind.

People Are More Important Than Things

Dispersing a portion of personal property while you’re still around to participate in the process can be a positive experience for both you and your family members. All involved should remember that what’s being transferred are only things and that preserving and nourishing family relationships ought to be the primary concern. Approaching this process, whether items are given away little by little or all at once, in the spirit of love and kindness will go far in strengthening your family unit while accomplishing a needed task.

 By Janet Peterson

[1] Bill Taylor, “Who Gets My Personal Stuff: Transferring Personal Property,” www.uwyo.edu.

[2] Ibid.