22 Togetherness Tips for a Terrific Retirement
I couldn’t believe we were already old enough to retire. While my spouse and I had enjoyed evenings, weekends, and vacations together, the idea of being together 24/7 caused me concern because we are both very independent. As fear of the unknown crept in, I decided to get prepared.
I thought of how my husband, Dan, prepared for our Alaska and Europe trips. He pored over books and searched the Internet for the best things to see and do so that our vacation would be successful. In like manner, I decided to search the web to learn how to be a successful retiree. One idea I came across was the necessity to prepare for a feeling of loss along with the excitement of retirement. For most people, this consists primarily of loss of self-esteem from leaving a successful career, having less income, lower physical capacities, and diminishing mental abilities.
Each person’s losses may be different, but it is important to face them and admit that they exist. Accepting the reality of loss is an important step toward moving forward in a positive way with a focus on preparing for the new future reality.
The retirement ideas listed below are drawn from the internet, our own experience, and thoughts gathered from interviews with retired friends[1].
1. Put Your Expectations, Hopes, and Dreams on Paper. When we approached retirement, my husband, Dan, planned a date. After dinner, we came home and decided we would each make a list (similar to a bucket list) of what retirement would look like for us. We each wrote 25 things. This list became a springboard for discussing and planning our future.
2. Be a Team at Home. Regardless of the status or demands of former employment, and even if one or the other spouse still works outside the home, it is best to enter the retirement years as equals. Karen and her husband made a list of all household tasks, from dishes to finances. They then decided who would do what and which tasks they would do together. Lisa said that although her husband was a pilot and she was a homemaker, in retirement, they both share the household responsibilities equally.
3. Travel Together. Louise says travel was their salvation. She and her husband enjoyed traveling with their motorhome and spending winters at their second home in St. George. Now that her husband is gone, she looks back on those times as her favorite. Ruth seconds the importance of travel. She places a high value on the time she had with her husband as they travelled together to visit family. Since her health now limits what she can do, she suggests taking advantage of travel whenever you feel good enough to enjoy it.
4. Keep Communication Honest and Open. Karen and her husband have learned to be open and honest. Their retirement years have become rich as they open up to each other and share their true feelings and thoughts. With so many years of shared history, no one is more likely to understand and care than your spouse. Create a place of safety for each other.
5. Show Respect. During retirement, it is more important than ever to respectfully agree to disagree and to speak kindly. Remember that being right isn’t paramount—respect is. Another aspect of respect is letting each other know where you are going and when you will be back.
6. Accept and Forgive Each Other. Ruth says she and her husband have seen each other at their very best and very worst since retirement. They try to love each other unconditionally through it all. Karen says retirement is about getting used to each other all over again when you are around each other all day every day. Not many years ago, she and her husband were in a car accident in which he was critically injured. This experience taught her to cherish their time together, to accept her husband on a deeper level, and pray for an attitude of forgiveness.
7. Schedule Together. Whether you schedule on paper, a cell phone, or a computer calendar, planning is crucial. Your weekly planning session can include calendar and budget items. Questions could include, “What do you have scheduled? What projects did you have in mind this week? Would you like my help?” Briefly revisit your plans daily at the breakfast table or at night. Efforts to do this “couples syncing” will help avoid misunderstandings and increase your ability to help one another. It will also help you coordinate time together as well as time apart.
8. Accept and Adjust to Change. Acceptance of the reality of change is vital. Karen says things now are much different from their early retirement years because of health issues. She and her husband aren’t able to travel or do many of the things they had hoped to do. Another friend said his lifestyle changed dramatically because of financial challenges that occurred after he and his wife retired. Making the best of how things are now is basic to happiness.
9. Ask with Clarity, Don’t Assume or Expect. One friend said that the more she learns to ask (in a respectful, loving way) for her husband’s help, the closer they become. Many couples expect their spouse to be a mind reader or leave clues that they expect will be deciphered. The art of being clear and not trying to force the behavior you hope for will pay huge dividends. Also, ask for permission before you volunteer a spouse’s time. Just because you are excited about a certain activity doesn’t mean they will be. Differing priorities are the reality of married life.
10. Encourage Personal Space and Hobbies. Karen sews and her husband does photography. Lisa said that Mike loves to build and fly small airplanes, which takes him out of the house and gives her peace and alone time that invigorates her. Most of us need some space we can call our own—a retreat of sorts—whether it is a room, the corner of a room, or a walk around the block. We need a private place to talk on the phone, to write, or to pray. It also helps to show interest and support for each other's activities.
11. Learn to Enjoy Just “Hanging Around.” Sometimes just being in the same room helps us with the bonding process, even if I am just practicing the guitar and Dan is reading a book. This “down time” may end up being an important part of a relationship. Watch for the right moments.
12. Humor Helps. Some couples enjoy reading comic books, like Pickles or Tundra, or Readers Digest jokes together. Adding smiles can be part of your routine during meals or anytime through your day.
13. Have a Routine. A routine is different than a schedule. A routine helps days run more smoothly. Having a routine is like having something to hang your hat on. It adds stability yet should allow for adequate flexibility. Routines don’t have to turn into ruts. Develop a daily routine that may include exercise and meals.
14. Be Yourself. Karen learned not to give up who she was in order to become what she thought he wanted. Don’t lose yourself in the process of giving yourself.
15. Express Love. As her cancer progresses, Ruth wants no regrets. She says that every day she tries to kiss, hug, and speak words of love and kindness to her husband and others. Even if we are in the best of health, we have no guarantee of any day but today. Express love today!
16. Take Care of Yourself. Eating a balanced diet, exercising, and paying attention to personal hygiene are important. Going to the doctor for regular checkups and following the doctor’s advice is another way of saying “I love you” to your family. A few years ago, Louise was diagnosed with diabetes and had to accept the fact that she had to change her eating and take medication. As she followed the doctor’s advice, she has been able to live a long life. At 86 years old, she looks good, stays active, and remains a blessing to her family. Whatever your health issues are, address them, accept them, and do what you can to continue to be an active part of your family.
17. Coordinate Finances. Money often gets tighter when retirement comes around. It is important to begin by honestly looking at the inflows and outflows up front and decide together how you will budget. Whether you use a paper and pencil, Excel, or another computer application, life will go smoother if you both commit to working with a budget. It seems to be even more crucial as a retired couple to communicate about money. Right now, Dan and I generally spend 15 minutes every few days using a software program that allows us to see budgeted income and expenses, and we plan to continue this practice.
18. Consider Long-Term Medical Planning. Because most of us don’t know how long we’ll be in retirement before “checking out,” it is important to plan for long-range medical needs. Ideally, we need to be financially prepared in case one or both spouses end up in a nursing home. Explore nursing home insurance and other long-term care options.
19. Have a Purpose. Roger emphasizes that when a person retires, he needs to have something that will give him purpose, something he is passionate about, something he does that makes a difference in the world around him. Some retirees find plenty of service and meaningful contributions in their own family and church circles. However, if you have time on your hands, volunteer opportunities abound. Most retirees can find needs that match their abilities and stamina.
20. Don’t Forget Date Time. Don’t let the fact that retired people are together more be an excuse to stop weekly dates. Dan and I have fun taking turns planning weekly dates. Dan may choose a sports event or movie; I may choose a play. This way we each get a turn to plan our favorite activities. I enjoy coming up with a list of possibilities on my own, sometimes finding creative dating ideas on-line. Surprises and innovative dates are fun.
21. Exercise Your Brain with Problem-Solving. As a person exercises his brain, it develops more connections and keeps him mentally sharp. As a partially-retired physical therapist, Roger helps his patients as they stretch and exercise their shoulders, knees, and ankles. The same principle holds true for the brain. He suggests that we do math problems or crossword puzzles and find solutions to life problems every day to strengthen our brains.
22. Say Please and Thank you. During our golden years, it is especially important to remember the “golden words.” Using kind words, such as, “dear, please, thank you, and sweetheart,” increases our ability to live with each other peacefully.
While all of these ideas would strengthen relationships regardless of the age of the participants, they are especially important for spouses who will be spending much more time together in retirement. Above all, whether you retired decades ago or are on the verge of this new adventure, remember that retirement can be a time to deepen relationships with your spouse, your family, yourself, and God.
By Patricia Potts
[1] Special thanks to Karen Hardwick, Karen Johnson, Louise Tew, Lisa Royal, Ruth Burton, and Roger Larsen, all of whom gave me permission to use their ideas in this article.