Long-Distance Caregiving Part One: Making an Assessment Visit
By Carolyn Campbell
Nancy’s 80-year-old mother died after a sudden heart attack. Part of her grief was the realization that her father now lived alone, hundreds of miles away. Surely he would be lonely. She thought he would sell his home and move nearer to his children, but he loved his home and wanted to stay there. Nancy thought about moving closer to him, but how could the whole family leave the schools, jobs, church, and community affiliations that meant so much to them? Yet how could she watch out for her dad or even know what he needed when he lived so far away? She was relieved to find the steps for long-distance caregiving listed below.
Visit your loved one to determine whether extra help is needed.
When you live far away, how do you know when your loved one needs caregiving help? In some cases, your relative may ask for help. In other instances, the sudden start of a severe illness will make it clear that help is needed. If you feel concerned, a visit to take stock of your loved one’s current situation is advisable. Before the visit, talk with your loved one about tasks you might be able to assist with during your trip. Does he or she need to go shopping, or is there something at the house that needs to be fixed? Decide on the priorities and leave less important tasks for later.
Make a safety inspection.
Once you arrive, go through the house, assessing possible hazards (such as loose rugs, poor lighting, or unsafe clutter) and safety concerns (such as grab bars needed in the bathroom). If you can stay for a weekend or week, help make needed improvements—or make arrangements for someone else to do the work.
Schedule appointments.
Ask your loved one if you can accompany him or her on a doctor's appointment during your visit. This will give you an opportunity to discuss health, medications, and any other questions you might have. Take notes on the doctor's recommendations. Ask the doctor to suggest any helpful community resources. Consider making appointments with your loved one's lawyer and financial adviser, too.
Observe daily life.
During your visit, check to see how well your loved one is managing daily tasks. Is he able to drive safely, eat regular meals, keep up with personal grooming, and pay his or her bills? Ask your loved one's friends and neighbors if they've noticed any behavioral changes, health problems, or safety issues.
Remember to actually spend quality time visiting with your family member.
Try to make time to do things unrelated to caregiving. Rent a movie to watch together, or visit with old friends or other family members. Offer to play a game of cards or a board game. Take a drive, attend worship services, or go to the library together. Finding a little bit of time to do something simple and relaxing helps everyone.
Get in touch and stay in touch.
After you leave, keep in close contact with your loved one. Many families schedule conference calls with doctors, and some families schedule conference calls so several relatives can participate in one conversation. Try to find people in your parent's community who can be your eyes and ears and provide a realistic view of what is going on. Speak with your contacts regularly to stay up-to-date on your loved one’s condition and needs.
Visit as often as you can.
If you can't visit frequently, find other family members or close friends who might be willing to occasionally make the trip. Consider planning activities for your visit. Bring old pictures from the past to talk about and help remember the good times. Whatever your parent's hobbies were in the past, bring memorabilia in some form. For example, if dad loved to play football, bring a football for him to hold, watch part of a football game together, or bring old pictures from his football days. If mom enjoyed gardening, bring a potted plant that she can care for.
Communicate regularly.
Even when visiting isn't possible, there are many ways to keep in touch. For one family, giving the grandmother a cell phone (and then teaching her to use it) gave everyone some peace of mind. You can program telephone numbers (such as doctors, neighbors, and your own) into your loved one’s phone so that he or she can speed-dial contacts. Such simple strategies can be a lifeline. Try sending your loved one digital movies of yourself. Send cards. Set a time each day or week for phone calls with your loved one. The world of technology has opened up many other ways to keep in touch from afar, including email, or even Skype when it’s available (which is like a virtual visit). Expecting a call from a loved one or knowing an email will be waiting is often enough to lift a senior's spirits and can provide the caregiver some insights into the elder's well-being.
Get a phone book.
Get a local phone book, either hard copy or online, that lists resources in your parent's neighborhood. The "Blue Pages" can provide an easy guide to state and local services available in your parent's hometown. That way, even though you may not live locally, you can still find local resources that your loved one may need.
Do the best you can.
Many long-distance caregivers feel guilty about not being able to do enough or spend adequate time with a family member in need of care. It might be helpful to join a support group for caregivers. You might benefit from the tips of others, as well as appreciate the knowledge that you're not alone. The key is to make the most of a less-than-ideal situation and give yourself credit for doing the best you can.