Reframing the Past in Light and Love
By Darla Isackson
We can’t change the past, but we can learn to change the way we see it. We can take what we know now and see what happened long ago differently. Some call this “cognitive reappraisal”—the ability to reframe our thoughts about a situation.
An Example of Reframing
I can give you a good example of that process in our own family. My mother-in-law Elvie had a dad who was brutally abusive through all her growing-up years. Just in the last few years, Elvie and her brother began researching probable causes. Their interest was first peaked when her brother Nard wrote a history of their family that reminded them that their dad was abused as a child not just by his parents, but by his older brothers as well. (He was the 8th of a family of 13.) Then, at the tender age of 13, he was conscripted into the Finnish army (Finland was at war with Russia) and for five years was subjected to severe trauma and life-threatening experiences.
Elvie and Nard learned about PTSD and began to realize that their father was a victim of PTSD in the truest sense. He never received treatment but was simply told to pull himself together and “be a man.” They began to understand that while his behavior was not excusable, it was understandable, and they could find rational reasons to let go of their bad feelings towards him. It has been a freeing experience for both of them.
A Celebrity Example
I began to understand this phenomena more completely when I read Patrick Stewart’s account of a similar life experience and how he resolved it.[i] Patrick Stewart’s dad was extremely abusive, not only to the children, but to his mother as well. For decades, Patrick never mentioned this dark part of his life. When he “came out” about it, he became a spokesman for organizations pledged to end violence against women and children.
Then, while researching his family’s genealogy for the BBC program Who Do You Think You Are?, he had a unique opportunity to gain a deeper understanding of his father. He was put in touch with the sergeant major of the unit in which his father served in World War II who told Patrick how the men he commanded fought under terrible conditions, surrounded by German forces, with buddies being slaughtered all around them. He learned that his father had witnessed civilian slaughter, knew his life was constantly endangered, and that the possibility of being captured and put in a prisoner of war camp was ever-present. His father, Sergeant Alfred Stewart, miraculously survived but came home with a severe case of PTSD (then called shell shock), and, like Elvie’s father, was never treated.
Patrick consulted PTSD experts and gained a deep understanding that caused him to reassess who his father was and motivated him to help prevent others from suffering. He works with an organization that supports veterans struggling with mental health issues (for his father, he says) and with an organization called “Refuge” that helps women who are victims of domestic violence (for his mother). Consequently, he is happy in the present, no longer hiding from his past, and using what he has learned to make a positive impact on the lives of others.
Re-Reading Journals Can Speed the Process
Ever since high school I’ve sporadically kept a journal, but until lately, I had never read what I had recorded. Taking the time to look back and scan some of my journals has proven valuable in ways I never suspected. I’ve had a reality check on my memory, realizing that what I was remembering and saying about certain time periods lacked the accuracy of what I wrote at the time. I’m much less likely now to insist that I’m “right” about how things really were.
But perhaps even more valuable, I have taken the opportunity to revisit my decades of experience since I wrote those words and apply what I know now to my understanding of what happened then. I have so much more compassion for myself and all the players on my life stage than I did at the time. By processing my life through a more enlightened lens, I see things differently, I judge less, I forgive more. I can truly reframe the past in light and love.
Reassessing Our Past and Moving On
While our major focus needs to be on the present, as these examples show, looking at the past with new eyes can not only be emotionally freeing, but also motivating in regard to present priorities.
Childhood (or even adult) conclusions are, at best, often made with inadequate information. We can learn new facts, gain deeper understanding, and make new conclusions that truly free us of negative feelings, even fears, that can be hanging on from past experiences. Our new knowledge can give us greater empathy for others and give us tools to not only live better in the present but to help others do the same.
This process can help us learn to let go of what’s gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what’s coming.
1 See AARP magazine, April/May 2014, p. 80.