Seven Steps to Finding Closure
By Carolyn Campbell
When Ada Wilson was diagnosed with cancer, a secret she had kept for decades became too heavy to keep any longer. Before her marriage, she had given up a baby for adoption and had always lived in fear of being “found out.”
As the years pass, unresolved issues often become increasingly distressful. “When people approach the final phase of life, they tend to be more in touch with their mortality and may conduct a mental life review,” says Dr. Mike Davison, a clinical psychologist, speaker, and life design coach, associated with Argosy University in Illinois. He feels that reviewing one’s life “is a normal part of the process. It would be rare for a person, in the final quarter of his life, to not look back with regret about something.”
Unresolved issues may include “smaller” concerns, such as not writing that book or not visiting the old country, whereas larger issues may take the form of not ever having children, family secrets (such as Ada Wilson’s), unreconciled estrangements, and emotional and/or financial debts left unpaid. Particularly with secrets of a personal nature, such as an undisclosed prior marriage or a child placed for adoption, unresolved issues can result in guilt and shame. There is often a subtle urgency to do something about them while there still is time. Ada definitely felt that urgency.
How does one cope with these issues? Unresolved issues could be placed on a person’s “bucket list”—an agenda of tasks a person hopes to accomplish before he or she dies. Davison explains that it doesn’t always take a drastic event such as a serious illness or sense of impending death “to throw you into that introspective mode.” Yet, once a person decides to evaluate his life, he then has the opportunity to be more proactive about the way he lives in the future. He is also able to pursue—and possibly find closure to—unresolved issues or regrets.
Dr. Davison, along with another clinical psychologist, Dr. Jane Blackwell, offers the following seven suggestions for people dealing with unresolved issues.
1. Acknowledge the issue: “It is within human nature for a person to want to close his or her eyes to regrets and pretend they didn’t happen,” says Davison. “But dealing with unresolved issues is all about acknowledgment. The more we try to resist those hidden parts of ourselves that we work so hard to deny, the more they are going to get us. The alternative is to acknowledge, embrace, and take responsibility for it.”
Ada felt great relief when she finally told her husband and daughter about the child she had given up. She was amazed at how accepting they were.
2. Write about it: “Writing about your life can be a way of looking at where you are and what choices you are making,” says Dr. Davison. He explains, “Writing is the action part of thinking and has a way of slowing us down and focusing our attention. Writing also enables us to connect with our soul. Some people say that writing opens the door to ideas, thoughts, and feelings that are deeply buried in the subconscious. In any case, connection with self is imperative in the process of fostering personal peace,” says Davison. “What you write is for your eyes only, unless you choose to share it with others.”
Davison adds, “At any age, a person can write his own eulogy or a celebration speech about his life. This exercise can enable you to get in touch with your purpose in life and to consider the kind of lasting impact you want to leave on this world.”
He cites well-known author, Dr. James Pennebaker, who notes that writing thoughts and feelings about trauma or crises can result in reduced anxiety and depression and improved mental and physical health. “People who journaled for as few as five weeks slept better,” Davison adds. “The process of writing about something that is distracting you allows you to release that perspective and helps you reach a different conclusion.”
Before Ada could get the courage to talk about her secret she spent a lot of time writing about it. When her feelings were so private she wanted to be sure nobody else could read what she was writing, she used the technique of immediately writing over each line making it unreadable, then throwing each page away. Some people shred or burn pages that they never want to reread or share.
3. Find a trusted person with whom to process unresolved issues: “Utilize opportunities to connect with people such as a support group, friend, church counselor, or professional counselor,” says Davison. “Undergoing cognitive therapy permits you to look at something from a different point of view, grants you some distance, and possibly helps you to create an action plan. In therapy, you can explore whether there is a way to make amends, make it right, or learn to reconcile things,” says Davison. “Therapists offer a professional ear,” adds Blackwell. “The ability to work through issues is very important. A patient will come in with an issue they think is the reason they are there, and she may find other issues being resolved.”
When Ada visited a counselor, her desire was to resolve her feelings of guilt. She ended up coming to grips with her overblown need for other’s approval, as well.
4. Make a symbolic gesture toward closure: Davison suggests that if the regret involves a particular person, writing a letter to that person and saying what you would say if you could can offer a different perspective and help in your effort toward closure. Ada wrote a letter to her child. Even though she knew the child would never read it, the effect was very therapeutic. Planting a tree is another example of such a symbolic gesture.
5. Appreciate your life now: Regarding unresolved issues, Dr. Blackwell suggests, “Before dredging up an unresolved issue and saying, ‘I should have done this and I could have done that,’ ask yourself if you are appreciating life right now. Are you noticing loved ones and people that are close to you? The now is important.”
Ada’s husband reinforced this principle when he said, “Ada, the past is past. What matters is who you are now and the life that we have together. We can’t change the past, but we can make today even better.”
6. Keep things in perspective: Blackwell says, “Life is really about learning who we are and hopefully giving something back in many ways.” She notes that the desire to address big issues and seek closure relates to the desire to seek peace.
7. Leave the past behind: “If you are planning to tell ‘the big secret,’ blurting it out may be a tempting release for you,” says Blackwell. But before giving in to that urge, “think of what it means to the person you are telling and how it will affect him or her,” she advises. “Clearing your conscience takes some forethought. Be sure that what you have to say will help you take care of the other person as well.”
“For example, jumping in to tell family members about a prior marriage you had not previously revealed may call up other issues; revealing this secret could cause more problems. Before blurting out the big secret, ask yourself why you didn’t reveal it in the first place,” Blackwell advises. “Once you consider your motives, you may decide that, sometimes, it is best to just let it go.”
Ada decided that her husband and daughter were the only ones that needed to know her secret. Other women in this situation have decided to tell the extended family too, feeling that was the only way to relieve their fear that the adopted child would make contact and force the disclosure.
No matter how you choose to work at resolving issues, remember that a happy ending may be possible. It happened for Ada and has happened for many others. These seven steps could bring you greater happiness and peace of mind. As you take time to look back on your life and the past you have created, you can find satisfaction and closure if you decide to approach your concerns in a healthy, considerate way.