Sharing the Journey: Should You Join A Support Group?
By Carolyn Campbell
Laura’s brother died while she was on vacation. Along with deep sadness over losing him, she felt guilt because she had left town when she knew he was ill. A friend invited her to attend a grief support group. When Laura told the group about her experience, the leader said, “If he knew you were going to face the stresses that would come with his death, I’m sure your brother would have wanted you to have a relaxing vacation beforehand.” Those words helped soothe Laura. She attended the group for several months, feeling comforted and sharing hope with others who were there.
What Are Support Groups and Why Should You Look for One?
Virtually everyone needs help at times. A support group provides a place to identify with others facing similar challenges, address relevant issues, and give and receive help and positive feedback. Support groups are now available for issues ranging from specific health concerns, such as diabetes, to grief, to addictions of every kind. Some support groups are run by professional facilitators or organizations, such as the American Cancer Society. Others are originated by individuals who share a common interest.
Do You Need a Trained Leader?
One of the most important aspects of attending a support group is learning about yourself. You can still get that interpersonal support in a group without a trained leader, but maybe not as effectively.
Dr. Baker offers the following suggestions for making the most of support and interpersonal process group participation.
Ask questions beforehand. Before you attend your first meeting, you may want to contact the group coordinator and ask her or him about the group and how it functions. Find out how many people are in the group, how long it has been running, and if the group has a professional facilitator, such as a psychologist, psychiatrist, or social worker, if that is important to you. Ask about cost. Most support groups are free, but if there is a fee, consider contacting your health insurance provider to find out whether it is covered by your health plan.
Try out the group. Dr. Baker advises attending sessions of a group to decide if it will meet your needs. “If there are concerns about the group, I encourage clients to voice those concerns.”
Try different media. You can stay at home and still interact in a support group. While face-to-face interaction is useful, if traveling to the group meeting is inconvenient or if you can’t find a group specific to your concern, you may find an online or telephone support group that offers a better fit. There is no one "right" support group for everyone. The best support group is the one that works for you.
Expect some uneasiness. If you’re like most people, you may have some apprehensions, such as, “What will the other people be like?” and “Am I capable of opening up to complete strangers?” Working through this uneasiness and seeing it decrease is one of the many benefits that a support group has to offer.
Expect benefits. Within the group, you can feel empathy for others and experience it yourself. You may learn that you have similar concerns to other group members and learn from how they have worked through them. The interpersonal connection—understanding and support from others who face similar challenges—can be very healing. You may feel a sense of relief as you are supported in the process of getting your feelings out in the open. (“Stuffing” feelings is common, but it never facilitates progress.) The more you invest, and the more you share, the more you will benefit, regardless of the emphasis, size, or composition of your group.
Suspend judgment. You may feel anxious about or impatient with your group as you start out. Just like individual therapy, group work takes time. Try to delay making judgments about the value of the group; this adjustment period is very normal and part of the process.
Accept yourself. Start from where you are, not where you think others want you to be. This is your chance to be yourself, to share what you think and feel and to share experiences that you often keep to yourself. Change begins with whatever you feel free to disclose.
Attend consistently. Successful groups depend on a commitment from each member, which means attending each session, arriving on time, and making an effort to participate in a meaningful way. Remember, in a support group, you’re not only there for you.
Think out loud. Try to put words to the reactions you have in the group and share these thoughts out loud, rather than censoring and silencing them as we often do in everyday interpersonal interactions. It is important to note that “feedback” received in a support group differs from advice or criticism. Feedback involves sharing about yourself and your own reactions. An effective group leader will steer you toward offering helpful feedback rather than criticism or advice. He or she will facilitate interaction and discussion. A leader helps maintain an environment of safety and a focus on growth.
Focus on the “here and now.” This phrase means focusing on actual, current experiences that you and the group are having. It is appropriate to share your stories, but a group that stays at the level of past events of its participants misses out on a powerful dimension. Share what you are feeling and thinking right now about being in the group, what reactions you are having, and what positive things you feel towards others. This may feel scary at times; that’s okay. Try to push yourself to do it anyway. Focusing on the “here and now” reminds you to do a little less storytelling and advice-giving and allows you to provide feedback, such as, “This is how I’m feeling right now.”
Experiment with new behaviors. If you are shy and normally don’t share personal things, you can experiment with sharing more openly than you usually would in a support group. If you are an extrovert who usually doesn’t hold your tongue, you can try holding back a bit in the group.
Offer support and understanding before advice. You may often be tempted to give advice and help “fix” the problems that others share. Often, this reaction comes from a place of empathy and compassion. First and foremost, try to share that compassion and understanding—through expressing feedback composed of your own feelings and impressions. Some groups have set rules against offering advice of any kind, and most groups adhere to the rule of not interrupting the person who is sharing. Attendees are most likely to draw what they need from the personal experiences of others without receiving any specific advice.
Give and receive feedback. However, some groups do offer the chance to receive input from several people if you want it. Take advantage of this! When you receive feedback, try to remain open and non-defensive. When you offer feedback, try to be specific, direct, and honest—but never unkind. This aspect of a group isn’t always easy, but it is one of its most powerful and growth-inducing features.
Marsha, an introvert, attended an adoptee support group several times, telling the other members that she was a researcher. As she identified with the feelings and stories the members related, part of her longed to admit that her relationship to the group was actually more direct and personal. Although she had never told anyone outside her family, Marsha was an adoptee herself, along with being a researcher. As she listened to the others’ stories, her own thoughts and feelings would rush to her mind. Finally, one night, she blurted, “I’m actually one of you. I’m adopted myself.” The group members’ initial surprise almost immediately dissolved into calm acceptance. Though their feeling that “she is like any one of us” probably felt commonplace to them, to Marsha, the relief was immense, healing, and life-changing. She soon began sharing with the group and now feels comfortable discussing her adoption whenever she feels the topic is appropriate.
Baker explains that a support group is a very effective “social lab” to try out new interactions. If there are ideal ways you’d like to interact but rarely do, a support group is a great place to try them out and ask for feedback. “It’s a safe place to try such things—partly because, if you choose to, you never have to see these people again,” says Baker.
How can you tell when you’ve received the support you needed? Some groups, such as the grief support groups offered by Caring Connections, have a set number of times to meet—usually six. In that case, the question of attendance is not an issue. But for ongoing groups, it is. “When the group stops feeling more important than other things you’d like to use your time on, it’s probably a sign that you’ve received from it what you needed to,” says Dr. Baker.
She recommends attending the group at least one final time to say goodbye to the other members, so that both you and they can acquire positive closure. “Leaving without telling others can leave both them and you unsettled,” she explains. “I encourage people to spend time in their last session sharing some of the things they’ve learned and giving compliments to others about what has been helpful from them.”
Support groups can be a viable, real source of help. They can add to our stores of emotional strength and stability and decrease our feelings of loneliness when we are facing serious problems. When people in a support group share a common concern, we discover there is strength in numbers!