So Close and Yet So Far: Moving Beyond Estrangement

By Carolyn Campbell

Sally and Amy are sisters whose disagreement cost them their relationship. Their widowed mother worked hard to raise them in a secure, happy home. Dignified, responsible Amy finished college before marrying and having children. Carefree, upbeat Sally stayed single, lived in the family home, and enjoyed a business career.

Both women helped care for their aging mother. Their simmering differences intensified after her death. Amy felt she should be given half of her mother’s belongings, because she helped care for her. However, Sally felt that she took on the greater share of caregiving by not marrying and being available around the clock. Because she still lived in the family home, she thought that everything there was hers.

The sisters’ story is typical of estrangement. The sisters loved each other very much but couldn’t be together without having horrible feelings. While strong disagreements surfaced only after their mother died, actually, their conflict stemmed from years of accumulated history that included pent-up anger and hurt. This in turn led to alienation and, eventually, total separation.

The issue that causes an estrangement is so powerful that it causes the disagreeing parties to separate for a long time. Sally and Amy each felt that they were right. Sally never gave Amy any of her mother’s belongings. Amy never stopped resenting her. They were never close again.

Sometimes, a person simply has to let go of what she cannot change. Estrangement seems to be a way to do just that. In a polarizing conflict, people often choose estrangement and total separation, seeing it as an alternative to sinking deeper and deeper into anger. However, estrangement rarely solves the real problem.

Estrangement can affect a person’s mental and physical health and relationships with others, explains Brent Pace, Clinical Director of Health and Human Rights. It can cause a person to question his own worth or value. “Within the family, estrangement can be cataclysmic, shaking the foundation of who you are and your development. It causes us to ask the foundational questions of ‘Can I trust other people?’ and ‘Is it ever safe to open up to others and become vulnerable again?’”

When Pace himself experienced sibling estrangement, he initially pulled away a bit from other people. But as he let go of the resentment and felt better, it put into perspective how precious the relationships he still had were.

Estrangement is painful and embarrassing.

Estrangement can last a day, a week, or forever. It’s nothing less than shunning someone. Nearly all families experience estrangement at some time, says Pace. Many people keep it secret. It’s hard to admit that you and another relative aren’t speaking—it feels like confessing to an embarrassing act. A family should be a haven of closeness and comfort. There is a feeling of failure when it isn’t.

Estrangement causes a unique form of grief; hope is often held out for reparation, keeping the pain and grief current and raw.

Acknowledge the estrangement.

If you are estranged, you are not alone. Celebrities such as Tom Cruise, and Angelina Jolie have acknowledged family estrangement. It is common among non-celebrities, too. Most people’s families do not live up to their expectations or to images portrayed by TV shows and movies. Pace explains that business relationships have clearly defined roles—you know what your job is and you get to walk away at the end of the day. Family roles are less clearly defined. Consequently, family situations can become messy, and you may find yourself estranged from someone you love.

If you are involuntarily estranged from someone, your best coping mechanism is to try to understand that the distancing person made this decision to “let go of what she cannot change.” This might cause you to feel angry, hurt, or confused, or to feel a loss, as if someone has died.

Respect the boundaries of the person with whom you are estranged. This doesn’t mean you can’t know anything about the other person. Relatives and friends may share news with you, and it is normal and understandable that you would be interested in how a loved one is doing.

Reconciliation may not be the right choice.

No one can know for sure what will resolve someone else’s estrangement. “Take it slowly and think carefully,” says Pace. “It isn’t all up to you. You can do everything right—such as sending an apology letter—but if the other person remains in his anger and resentment, you have no control over whether you will reconcile.” Remember that you cannot change another person’s feelings or triggers.

Sometimes reconciliation isn’t the best idea. Think about the quality of the relationship you had with the person from whom you are estranged. If there is no possibility of a loving, caring relationship, think about the implications of having a relationship like that. Focus instead of finding happier, healthier relationships.

Cope by celebrating the healthy relationships in your own life.

While coping with estrangement, work on relationships where you are valued. Spend time with people who care about you, who you are interested in, who are in a good place mentally. Get involved in productive projects with other people. The more healthy activities that you enjoy, especially activities that help others, the less you will obsess about the person who is gone from your life.

Consider your feelings.

Reconciling can be overwhelming and scary. If you do decide to reconcile, validate your feelings. Ask yourself if you are still angry, whether emotional growth has occurred since the last contact, whether you can set and maintain appropriate boundaries, and whether you have your own identity or are overwhelmed by another’s opinion.

Clarification and forgiveness are the first steps toward reconciliation.

It can be challenging to overcome feelings of resentment. When Pace became estranged, he kept rehashing everything that was said. “The perfect definition of resentment is to re-feel something. It is like stabbing yourself and expecting the other person to bleed. I realized my resentment was hurting myself and damaging the relationships still around me.”

Making peace with yourself involves understanding what happened, realizing your role in the disagreement, forgiving yourself, and then forgiving the other person. “All those things can happen without reconciliation,” says Pace. “Letting go is actually an act that we participate in, choosing to be happy versus being right.”  Forgiving has medical as well as emotional benefits. Consider seeking therapy or a support group to deal with the grief and promote healing.

Take reconciliation slowly.

Repairing an estranged relationship is often similar to building a new relationship. Do not expect that everything will be perfect right away. Setbacks or hiccups may arise throughout the slow process of rebuilding trust and establishing a new relationship. Focus on the positive. Find new ways to establish common ground. Meet in a neutral location and do not discuss difficult issues. Remember that you don’t have to go to every fight you are invited to, says Pace. Just because someone calls you a name, or challenges you, doesn’t mean you have to re-engage in the battle.

Whatever stage of estrangement you are in, eventually, the situation will become more bearable. As long as you and the loved one you’re estranged from are alive, there is the possibility of reconciliation, especially if you want it enough.