Step-Grandparenting: An Opportunity to Love Children
By Janet Peterson
A young father of four children died unexpectedly from a virus that invaded his entire body. In time, his widow married a man who also had four children, almost the same ages as hers. There were many challenges facing this blended family, but the new couple worked hard to make their situation a good one and to love and treat all eight of the children as their own. One of their most difficult situations, however, arose when the mother of the man who died refused to have anything to do with “those other children.” For example, at Christmas time, she sent expensive gifts to her four grandchildren, but nothing to their step-siblings.
Fortunately, many grandparents who find themselves with step-grandchildren react in a much more positive manner and decide to treat their new grandchildren just the same as their blood grandchildren.
Like it or not, one-third of seniors are or will be step-grandparents as blended families are becoming very plentiful in today’s world.[1] As a senior, you can arrive at step-grandparent-status if one of your children marries someone who has children from a previous marriage, one of your daughters- or sons-in-law marries again, or if you marry someone who already has grandchildren.
Never Too Many Loving Grandparents
Children can never have too many grandparents who love them. Children who have step-grandparents usually have experienced deep loss through death or divorce. They should be wrapped in open arms of love and acceptance. Grandchildren are a precious commodity, so why not rejoice when new ones come into your family? Why not help rather than hinder the success of a newly-formed family? One grandmother remarked, “All children need to feel loved and wanted by all their family members. Grandmas are all the same; we love the kids. There are no ‘steps’ in loving grandchildren.”[2]
After our son’s widow remarried, we got acquainted with her new husband and his children through Skype as they live several states away from us. We were happy when we learned that this new blended family of eight was coming to visit us during the summer. I wanted to do something special to make our three new grandchildren feel welcome and part of our family. An idea came to me to make Christmas quilts for each of them. Christmas quilts are a tradition in our family, and everyone in our family has one for the bed they sleep in.
It’s not easy to find age- and gender-appropriate Christmas fabric in April, but through shopping around and looking on the Internet, I bought cute material. Neither was it easy (or inexpensive) to piece three bed-size quilts, take them to a machine quilter, and then to do the binding in a short period of time. I finished the third one the night before the family’s arrival. When they arrived late at night, my husband whispered to me after we had talked briefly with the children, “Go get those blankets.” (Who needs a quilt on a record-breaking hot June night?) Nevertheless, I told the 13-, 10- and 7-year-old that our family tradition is to put Christmas quilts on our beds on December 1st, and these would be theirs to do the same. I felt this was a tangible way to say, “I love you,” and, “Welcome to our family.” We had a sweet bonding time and fun that weekend. I knew this effort had been helpful when we Skyped with the family the following week. My new 13-year-old grandson said that he loved his quilt so much, he already had it on his bed.
Suggestions for Successful Step-Grandparenting
1. Be Equal
Families.com suggests that “if there is one thing you can do as a new grandparent in a blended family, it is to be equal in all ways possible. This means equal gifts, equal time, equal traditions, equal love, and equal interest.”
One step-mother said, “Treat your step-grandchildren no differently from your real grandchildren, and there will be no problems.” Another step-mother happily reported that her own mother “welcomed her three step-children as if she had always known them” and remembers their birthdays. This bridge building has helped strengthen her family’s bonds.[3]
2. Get to Know the Children Individually
“Experts agree that the best way to cultivate a relationship with step-grandchildren (or anyone for that matter!) is to spend time with them.”[4] To whatever extent possible, try to spend time one-on-one with each child and get to know their friends, their interests, their likes and dislikes, and their concerns. Some step-grandparents who live close and don’t have too many other demands on their time attend their sports activities or school programs, invite them to a game or a performance or out for ice cream. Other ideas would be to play games with them or go to the park or a movie. Teach them a skill or involve them in one of your hobbies. Tell jokes, have fun, “hang loose.” Praise them and don’t criticize.
Getting to know the children can be more challenging if you live in different communities or states. Still, you can make the same kinds of efforts to establish good relationships that you do with your biological grandchildren by calling, texting, emailing, sending cards and small gifts, and planning visits. You can celebrate their special events and share traditions. When you do get together in person with this family, try to carve out at least a little individual time with all of your grandchildren. Some grandparents host Grammie Camp or Grandpa Campouts, inviting their grandchildren from near and far. Some take all the children of a certain age bracket on trips; the younger children eagerly await their turn.
3. Suggest a Name for You
Whatever your biological grandchildren call you, suggest that your new grandchildren call you that same name, whether it’s “Grandma,” “Grandpa, “Nana,” or “Pops.” If the children don’t seem to feel comfortable with that, let them help decide. Perhaps, it will be “Grandma Susan” or “Grandpa Jack” or just your first name. Don’t make a big issue about it, and in time, perhaps the children will call you what your biological grandkids do.
4. Realize Relationships Take Time and Effort
If your new grandchildren are small, they will likely adjust quite easily to your new role as their grandparents. Older children may have a harder time and may struggle with accepting you. Let them know you are not replacing their other grandparents nor do you want to interfere with those relationships, but tell them that you want to get to know them, do enjoyable things together, and be another loving support in their lives.
If you have the sweet privilege of gaining more grandchildren through a new marriage, embrace this opportunity to accept, love, and make a difference in the children’s lives. They, in turn, will make a wonderful contribution to yours.
[1] “Step Grandparents,” Firstthings.org.
[2] “Rules of Engagement for Step-grandparents,” Circleofmoms.com.
[3] “Rules of Engagement for Step-grandparents,” Circleofmoms.com.
[4] Step Grandparents,” Firstthings.org.