Taking the Initiative in Making Friends

By Janet Peterson

When I attended girls’ camp many years ago, we sang a song that I know still:

Make new friends,

But keep the old.

One is silver,

And the other gold.

There’s something very true now that wasn’t true when I was a young teenager singing that ditty: “old friends.” I cherish my old friends, both the friends that I have known since we were children and the friends I have just made who are now old—like me.

Old friendships are one of the joys of maturing and are filled with shared experiences, continuity, connection, familiarity, affection, and mutual support. Old friendships can span decades, some having been formed in childhood or teenage years. For many people, their high school friendships carry through life.

Yet seniors find among the many changing aspects of life that old friendships often change, too. Distance, moves, retirement, interests, family circumstances, health, and even death can separate the best of friends.

Many studies have shown what we intuitively know—that friendships are good for one’s psychological, social, and emotional well-being. Having friends boosts one’s self-esteem and feelings of contentment and may even increase longevity. The Centre for Ageing Studies at Flinders University in Australia conducted a study that followed nearly 1,500 older people for 10 years. This study found that those who had a large network of friends outlived those with the fewest friends by 22%.

Making New Friends

While keeping old friendships is important, making new friends is also vital. Throughout various stages of life come multiple opportunities to make new friends, whether we are students, coworkers, neighbors, parents, or organization members. However, seniors may find fewer opportunities to meet new people because the spheres in which they circulate tend to be more limited. "There's also a little more resistance to forming new relationships later in life, and your skills can get a bit rusty," says Marla Paul, author of The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You're Not a Kid Anymore. Not socializing with other people and not developing meaningful connections can contribute to feelings of isolation and depression.

Increasing Your Opportunities to Make Friends

If you feel that your friendship circle needs expanding yet are unsure where to meet new people, you might consider becoming more involved in church groups, neighborhood activities, senior centers, service groups, clubs, classes, and sports/physical activities.

Guidelines for Initiating a Friendship

Being in the company of others is a catalyst for forming new friendships, but it is not a guarantee. Following these guidelines will increase your chances for success:

•       Don’t wait for others to take the initiative; introduce yourself and make a point to remember the other person’s name.

•       Smile and be friendly. Remember that humor is an effective icebreaker.

•       Ask the person questions about his or her life. Listen earnestly. Share a little about your own life, but don’t dominate the conversation.

•       Once you have developed a casual friendship, plan a party or get-together and include your new friend.

•       Invite your new friend to join you for a group activity, for a movie, for lunch, to go for a walk, or to come to your place and share dessert.

•       Keep in touch. Developing friendships takes care and time.

•       Remember that there is undoubtedly someone in your circle of acquaintances who needs you as a friend, perhaps even more than you need them. When you reach out to them, both of you can be blessed and enriched.

The poet William Butler Yeats said, “There are no strangers here, only friends you haven't yet met.”