Taking Time for Those You Love: Becoming a Successful Caregiver

I have always remembered the day in third grade when I was called in early from recess. “I never get in trouble. What could this be?” I wondered. With my heart pounding, I walked away from the playground, climbed a short flight of stairs, and opened the heavy doors that led into Bonneville Elementary School. The halls were empty and quiet. My worry heightened as I reached Room Nine, my own class. My teacher, Mrs. Busenbark, was seated at her desk. Sitting beside her, to my surprise, was my own mother. She gave me a quick smile, but I was too scared to smile back because I felt sure I was in big trouble. But then Mrs. Busenbark smiled, too. She said, “Carolyn, I know you’ve been having a really hard time playing soccer. How would you like to be the scorekeeper from now on?” Relief surged through me. Not to ever have to play soccer again? How could I be so lucky!

Mom was always there for me, and decades later, when it was Mom who needed help, I set the goal of being there for her. I wanted to be the best caregiver that I could, but hardly knew where to start.

Many adult children take on the role of caregiving with a soft heart but no previous experience. Sometimes a person becomes a caregiver suddenly, without advance notice. A parent has a stroke, a wife is diagnosed with cancer, or a son is injured in a car accident. In other instances, the caregiving role emerges slowly—an adult child gradually realizes Mom is more forgetful or more physically fragile. The adult child starts calling her more often and gradually takes on household or administrative tasks to help out. Whether a person becomes a caregiver suddenly or gradually, it is usually without advance planning. Caregiving tasks are often squeezed into an already-busy life packed with the responsibilities. The following suggestions are the best I’ve found over my years of caregiving.

Let go and feel free.

When a parent starts to depend on a child in any way, the former relationship is suddenly reversed. Old roles and emotions may not apply. Be prepared to work from—and write—a whole new script. Let go of your expectations and feel free to do things you might not have been comfortable doing before. Comb your Dad’s hair if it needs it. Tell your formerly meticulous Mom that there is a stain on her sweater and she might want to change it. Take your mom to her favorite restaurant, even if she talks too loud, doesn’t eat very much, or is prone to spill her food.

Nest.

Everyone, especially people who are recovering from illness or injury and their caregivers, needs a comfy chair—a place to relax and rejuvenate. Make a comfortable nest for your loved one and for yourself by adding afghans, pillows, fresh flowers, candles, books, and good music to your comfy chair area. This is important to do both at your home and at the hospital, should there be an extended stay there. 

Take time to observe.

As a caregiver, you often have more time to observe changes in your loved one than does a doctor or health care worker who sees her less often. Take the time to observe how much your loved one eats, how steady she is when walking, and if she remains able to remember names and relationships.

Make decisions together.

To the extent that your loved one is able, make decisions jointly in order to respect both important issues in her life and your own needs and limits. As much as possible, offer options rather than giving orders. It's important for your loved one to continue to feel as if she, and not you, is running her life. Let her decide everything she can about her own care and situation. An aging or ill person is often forced to accept losses in abilities and lifestyle. Allowing her to hold on to as much input and as many life choices as possible helps to balance out this loss of lifestyle. Evaluating both of your priorities may also lead to a discussion of finding alternative ways to meet her needs when you are unable to do something. Joint prioritizing also facilitates your ability to say “No, I can’t” with love.

Talk about good memories, but maybe not your current problems.

Even if your mom was your best sounding board growing up, this might be the time to dwell on happy memories, rather than problem-solving. As caring as your mom still is, discussing your current personal issues and challenges can contribute to the emotional strain she is already feeling, and she may feel she should rise to her former role and try to help you.

Be willing to just be.

A caregiver has to just “'be” sometimes, to just sit and enjoy the warmth of the sunshine or listen to familiar stories. When you are caregiving, don’t feel like you always have to complete a task or fix something. Feel free to take time to just be together without checking off a chore on a list or trying to think of another task to complete.

Consider a caregiving class.

Take a class on caregiving. You will meet other caregivers and learn new ways to deal with challenging situations. Two sources of caregiver training in Utah are http://caregiveralliance.com/ and http://www.caregivers.utah.gov/.

Ask for help.

You may not always be able to do all that your loved one would like. Asking for help is a sign of strength because it acknowledges the difficulty of the situation. It is also a sign of strength because it requires putting pride aside and acting in the best interest of your loved one and yourself. Consider getting help with housework and/or yard work—either paid or unpaid. Help with household chores can help make a home a cleaner refuge for someone who is recovering and provide calmer surroundings for both the caregiver and care receiver. Help with yard work can transform a backyard into a vacation destination for eating meals on a deck, enjoying a variety of birds, playing cards, or doing artwork.

Realize the value of anyone who helps you.

A caregiver’s best friends are those who help shoulder the caregiving tasks. These people could be siblings, other relatives, caring neighbors, a cleaning lady, or home health workers. When you think of your loved one, you want those who care for her to feel positive about their work so they will do a good job in caring. Calm kindness, warm appreciation, and little gifts here and there can go a long way toward ensuring they feel valued. Have specific ideas ready if family or friends should offer to help. Let them choose among possibilities, such as picking up a few items at the store, fixing a meal, cleaning or doing yard work, or staying with the person you care for so you can go out for a while.

Take time out for you.

During the initial stages, when you restructure your schedule to include caregiving, it’s easy to forget to take your own health and well-being into consideration. Caregivers often go on auto-pilot. Yet balance is important in order to stay healthy on all levels. “Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals and values are in balance,” says best-selling author and professional speaker on human potential, Brian Tracy. Remember: taking care of yourself is a gift to your loved one; it will help you be a better caregiver. A healthy diet and regular exercise help you to manage stress more effectively. Regardless of how busy you are, do not skip meals or allow yourself to become less active. Taking time for your own passions and interests is self-preservation. Find ways to replenish your emotional energy and have a life outside your caregiving role. This will allow you to keep up with this responsibility for the long run.

Keep a vision for the future.

During your caregiving experience, seek the guidance and support you need to cope with the logistical, emotional, and physical aspects of providing care. While there will be challenges, take time to cherish the small rewards you will receive: an occasional thank you, a gentle smile, and the satisfaction that your efforts are helping to sustain the life of someone you love.

Feel satisfaction in caring for one who has cared for you.

I often remember the day that Mom came to the school because I was having a hard time playing soccer. I think of Mom’s beautiful smile that day and still remember the pretty navy blue dress she wore. I think of how Mom always seemed to handle every sticky situation perfectly. That is the person I am caring for now—the mom who always knew how to be there for me. Now it’s my turn, and I want to do my best for her.

By Carolyn Campbell