Things I Wish I’d Known As a Caregiver

By Darla Isackson

I’ll never forget the second time Mom got pneumonia; it almost pushed me over the edge. She was coming up on her 90th birthday and was becoming increasingly frail. She had been living with me for almost four years. She begged not to go to the hospital, so the doctor put her on oxygen 24/7 and let her stay home.  I am not a nurse, and I found it very difficult to care for her day and night.  It became impossible for this untrained daughter to get my mother (who was almost as big as I am) in and out of the bathtub.  I inherited Mom’s weak lungs, and I got pneumonia too.  I was trying to nurse her when I was so sick that I needed someone to care for me! I remember the desperation I felt when other family members were not available to help; I didn’t know what to do. I compromised my own health when I didn’t need to. 

I cared for my elderly mom until her death. I’m glad I did. It was the right choice for both of us. However, the last year was harder than it needed to be and left me depleted because I found out so late that other help was readily available. 

Home Health Care 

When my sister returned to her home in Utah from a church mission in Ireland, she took Mom for a month to give me some respite. She quickly admitted that Mom’s care was beyond her capability. Out of desperation, she explored other options. She learned that Mom had insurance  that covered 100% of the cost of having home heath care assistance three times a week.  

Caring, knowledgeable, efficient people came right to our home, helped Mom with her bath, had us get a shower chair, and answered her questions.  They gave her suggestions she would take from them, but not from us! (For example, she refused to get a walker until they told her to.) 

Hospice Care

Within a few weeks, the home health people (who have the aim of improving people’s health) could see that Mom was dying. She was beyond the point where she would benefit from such things as physical therapy, so they referred us to hospice care. This was also covered by Mom’s insurance. 

I can’t begin to tell you what their help meant to me during the last few months of my mother’s life. The hospice people are some of the most compassionate people on earth. Their tutorials and handouts kept us from being frantic because we knew what to expect. They gave us instructions so we would know what to do. For instance, they told us not to encourage Mom to eat when she didn’t want to, which was a relief because we would have expected that was our duty.  Mom looked forward to their visits up to the very end.

How Much Should Caregivers Do? 

No matter how much we love those we care for, caregivers have lives of their own, and we each have limitations. I was in my 50s when I was caring for my mother, but imagine a 70-year-old with a 90-year-old mother. Undue physical and emotional demands can leave caregivers sick and can speed aging dramatically. Caregivers need to consider their own health and well-being to avoid doing more than they can or should. 

Editor’s Note: Watch for future articles for information about day-care for the elderly, finding the best-assisted living facilities, when to consider long-term care insurance, and other topics of interest to caregivers.